The cheers of an ESPN announcer bounce off the cold pale walls of 21 year-old Shane Mallory’s Cortland, NY hospital room as he partakes in his favorite pastime of watching college football.
“And Cortland for the first time in program history are National Champions!”
He releases an echoing grunt, wincing as he repositions himself in the ever growing discomfort of his bed. The worsening pain in his back is amplified by the bittersweet scene of his former teammates sharing celebratory hugs, hoisting the trophy above their heads.
After paying his dues for two seasons as a backup, Shane was in line to start on the team’s offensive line. That was if he had decided to play this past season.
As 10:45 p.m. hits, while Cortland boards themselves onto the team bus for a joyous ride from the game, Shane says goodbye to his parents and girlfriend as he is stretchered into the back of an ambulance en route to hospital number two. The doctors do not know what the issue is and concern is growing.
By the time Shane was a senior, he emerged as New Fairfield High School’s star offensive lineman. Deep cuts speckled the crown of his navy blue helmet reflecting the scars of a shark. The scuffs of the Riddell told the story of four years of forceful collisions. To him, it was a trophy greater than the numerous accolades he had collected in his time playing for the Rebels.
Towering over those he played against from a young age, his stature and extreme physicality had his opponents thinking twice before getting in his way. Despite serving as his team's enforcer in every sport growing up, the gridiron was where he was meant to be.
Shane says, “Football was the one outlet where I could let out my aggression and not get in trouble for being physical. I liked the feeling of being feared.”
But socially, he was a different person. He could recite a quote from just about any movie, he was terribly afraid of dogs and would arrive at games in his baby blue Hyundai Elantra. Despite being a monster on the field, he gained the reputation of a teddy bear at heart.
Former teammate Wilson Brawley described Shane as, “a fun guy to be around.” Brawley said, “He was very upbeat and welcoming. He was always patient with younger teammates. But once we were on the field, all bets were off. In practice, he respected his teammates, but wouldn’t hesitate to hit them as hard as he would an opponent on Friday nights.”
A rush of nervous excitement was the only thing in Shane’s chest as he pulled his white and red SUNY Cortland jersey over his head. He was already personally content with his season as he earned the right to make the trip to Wittenberg University for Cortland’s first game.
“Going into my first season, I told myself that if I could just travel and dress for games, that would be a good year,” Shane said.
The referee’s whistle pierced the Ohio air as he saw his teammate grab his knee on the hot September turf. Shane watched in horror from the sideline upon realizing this was the team’s right guard, thus marking the start of his college career.
(Grady Field at SUNY Cortland) Photo via SUNY Cortland Athletics
After two seasons in which he collected 20 wins in total, life should have been good on paper. He was in a serious relationship, had just made it to the second round of the national playoffs and was on track to be a starter the next season. But despite everything seemingly going well for him, things were quite the opposite behind closed doors.
Shane suffered three documented concussions over the course of the past two seasons, including one that left him knocked out cold during a practice. To accompany these, were countless collisions that led to headaches and vision trouble. Tough players kept quiet about these instances though, so that’s exactly what he did. Also being kept to himself: the worsening mood swings, depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts that began to arise following his sophomore year.
“The whole semester I was telling everyone, ‘I'm fine, my grades are good, I feel great, I'm eating well,’” Shane said. “But I was just lying. I was embarrassed to tell them my grades were terrible, I wasn’t treating my body well and I was terribly depressed. I was ashamed to admit it.”
The weight was lifted from his shoulders the summer after his junior year as he was able to come clean to those he loved. It was upon doing so that he was able to lean on those around him through not only an abundance of support, but with the help of therapy and the proper medication.
It was this summer that he decided his battered helmet would forever act as a trophy meant solely for display. In a decision that he views as the most mature one he has made in his life, it was time to say goodbye to the game.
“It was hard for me, I didn’t want to do it. But it was something that I knew I mentally and physically needed to do. It was no longer helping me emotionally. Football was just draining me, but having my girlfriend and family to back me up, they really helped me through it,” Shane expressed.
He returned to school that fall with the newfound ability to enjoy the sport he loved from a new perspective. Although it was difficult to watch another player wear his number or play in what would have been his position, Shane found peace in his decision as it wound up being a blessing in disguise.
It was at an urgent care he visited due to back pain, where discovered he only had one kidney, an obvious conflict of interest for one of the most dangerous sports on the planet. Shane was one hit away from potentially dying on the field.
As the back pain progressed, his discomfort and difficulty breathing became so bad that he was admitted to a Cortland hospital where they found pneumonia in his lungs and transferred him to Sayre, Pennsylvania to see a specialist after a week. It was there that he spent five additional days that led to the discovery of infected, potentially cancerous fluid leaking into his lungs that could only be removed via surgery.
Following a month-long process of pain, fear and recovery, Shane returned home from Cortland for good.
Spring, 2024
A rush of joy enters Shane’s body as he leans forwards to catch a glimpse of a middle schoolers math worksheet. The smile on their face grows as he validates their pre-verbal excitement that the answer is in fact correct. For the first time in a while, Shane is exactly where he wants to be.
“I got that feeling when I started working as a paraprofessional that I did when I was playing football. That I’m good at this. It just feels right,” Shane says. “So that is why seeing these kids understand things is so rewarding for me. Hearing a kid go ‘wow I get it’ is something I truly understand.”
Returning home from college has changed the trajectory of Shane’s life in a way that he only sees for the better. Even though working as a paraprofessional is not the exact role he wishes to spend his entire career in, his passion for special education has emerged in a way that he never could have imagined.